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anilineDear fellow subway riders,
Ladies and gentlemen, it's cold and flu season again, and I've noticed that your favorite activity during this year is coughing on me, sneezing on me, or just making disgusting snorting choking noises within 4 inches of my ear. The polite ones cough or sneeze into their hands and then promptly attempt to touch every square inch of space possible on the pole, doors or surrounding seats. Please stop, you contagious disease-breeders.
Greetings, person who doesn't fit there. Yes, you. You don't fit in that seat because you are carrying half of Macy's with you and a large purse full of things that are undoubtedly completely necessary. No, elbowing me won't make you and your huge purse fit. Neither will glaring, more elbowing, kicking, or ignoring me completely. I am made of matter and so are you and no amount of pretending will make you able to occupy the same space as me. Also, please stop wiping your germ-infested hands on my coat.
Mr. homeless man, while I suppose it was a funny idea to say that you were going to make a really loud screeching noise until someone gave you money, it didn't work, and you probably have no idea how close one of the suits next to me was to actually hurting you. I, armed with an iPod and grim determination, was especially inclined to ignore you. Being an annoying asshat doesn't inspire charity for some reason. Perhaps some marketing people could eventually uncover that mystery one day.
Hey you. Thanks for spilling your coffee all over those 3 seats during the morning rush. That was awesome. I especially loved how you pretended it didn't happen and left huge disgusting brown puddles for those of us who had to stand could look at. Good thing you didn't use your newspaper to soak it up, or else you might not have known factoids about celebrities which have a 67% chance of actually being true.
I didn't get dinner either, so I appreciate that you want to eat on the subway. I don't really want to see or smell your dinner though. I also don't want to see the remnants of it on the floor. I know, I know, it's difficult to keep those fries in your mouth, but I feel that with practice you could achieve greatness.
Yes, small child, I am an interesting person to view. No, small child, it's not a good idea to touch my coat/purse/hair/face. No oblivious parent/nanny, it's not a good idea to let your child sit with me, for I am paying less attention to them than you are, leaving them susceptible to kidnappers, germs, large rats, or people who are playing D&D for real in the sewers and subways and could mistake your child for a kobold.
Maybe instead of standing in the middle of the station scolding tourists for blocking people's way, you should get the hell off to the side because you're blocking my way, moron.
Oh teenagers. Why you aren't banned from society until you develop into slightly less annoying 19 year olds is beyond me. I can still hear you with my iPod on, since your life lessons did not include the one involving indoor voices.
I don't know about you sir, but in my opinion it's a little early to be smelling like you just went swimming in a barrel of rum. Especially in what appear to be your work clothes. The best part is that I'm sitting about 10 ft away and still have to go digging in my purse for my compact of perfumed powder to alleviate the horror.
Well, I have to go, this is my stop. Please move your cart out of the doorway. Please. Please. Excuse me. Excuse me please. No, now, please. No. Move. Move. MOVE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OUT OF MY WAY.
Love, Aniline
Ladies and gentlemen, it's cold and flu season again, and I've noticed that your favorite activity during this year is coughing on me, sneezing on me, or just making disgusting snorting choking noises within 4 inches of my ear. The polite ones cough or sneeze into their hands and then promptly attempt to touch every square inch of space possible on the pole, doors or surrounding seats. Please stop, you contagious disease-breeders.
Greetings, person who doesn't fit there. Yes, you. You don't fit in that seat because you are carrying half of Macy's with you and a large purse full of things that are undoubtedly completely necessary. No, elbowing me won't make you and your huge purse fit. Neither will glaring, more elbowing, kicking, or ignoring me completely. I am made of matter and so are you and no amount of pretending will make you able to occupy the same space as me. Also, please stop wiping your germ-infested hands on my coat.
Mr. homeless man, while I suppose it was a funny idea to say that you were going to make a really loud screeching noise until someone gave you money, it didn't work, and you probably have no idea how close one of the suits next to me was to actually hurting you. I, armed with an iPod and grim determination, was especially inclined to ignore you. Being an annoying asshat doesn't inspire charity for some reason. Perhaps some marketing people could eventually uncover that mystery one day.
Hey you. Thanks for spilling your coffee all over those 3 seats during the morning rush. That was awesome. I especially loved how you pretended it didn't happen and left huge disgusting brown puddles for those of us who had to stand could look at. Good thing you didn't use your newspaper to soak it up, or else you might not have known factoids about celebrities which have a 67% chance of actually being true.
I didn't get dinner either, so I appreciate that you want to eat on the subway. I don't really want to see or smell your dinner though. I also don't want to see the remnants of it on the floor. I know, I know, it's difficult to keep those fries in your mouth, but I feel that with practice you could achieve greatness.
Yes, small child, I am an interesting person to view. No, small child, it's not a good idea to touch my coat/purse/hair/face. No oblivious parent/nanny, it's not a good idea to let your child sit with me, for I am paying less attention to them than you are, leaving them susceptible to kidnappers, germs, large rats, or people who are playing D&D for real in the sewers and subways and could mistake your child for a kobold.
Maybe instead of standing in the middle of the station scolding tourists for blocking people's way, you should get the hell off to the side because you're blocking my way, moron.
Oh teenagers. Why you aren't banned from society until you develop into slightly less annoying 19 year olds is beyond me. I can still hear you with my iPod on, since your life lessons did not include the one involving indoor voices.
I don't know about you sir, but in my opinion it's a little early to be smelling like you just went swimming in a barrel of rum. Especially in what appear to be your work clothes. The best part is that I'm sitting about 10 ft away and still have to go digging in my purse for my compact of perfumed powder to alleviate the horror.
Well, I have to go, this is my stop. Please move your cart out of the doorway. Please. Please. Excuse me. Excuse me please. No, now, please. No. Move. Move. MOVE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OUT OF MY WAY.
Love, Aniline
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no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 08:00 am (UTC)I am paying less attention to them than you are, leaving them susceptible to kidnappers, germs, large rats, or people who are playing D&D for real in the sewers and subways and could mistake your child for a kobold.
I have honestly never read the word 'kobold' used effectively in a sentence... UNTIL NOW!
asdfl;kjadf;lakdjf;lsdkfj;asdlfkj
no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 11:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 05:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 11:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 11:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 11:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 11:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 12:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-18 03:02 am (UTC)you said "ass hat"!
no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 01:53 pm (UTC)I think you should write a weekly column in a NYC newspaper about the frustrations of being a subway rider..
no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 02:28 pm (UTC)I guess I'll stay out of the city until I get over my current illness. If anyone asks, it's just for you, though.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 05:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 06:11 pm (UTC)this should be flyered all over the subway...but then, can people even read anymore???
no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 06:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 06:39 pm (UTC)this is really something i'd hand out with glee
no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 06:17 pm (UTC)*wild applause*
no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 06:35 pm (UTC)I'd tell you you should write for Hollywood but they couldn't appreciate you.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-02 09:57 pm (UTC)I'm all for the pamphlet idea. If you want an investor, just ask.